The Heart of Conflict

Last week’s article, Fight A Good Fight: Looking Inward, was an introduction to thoughts about conflict resolution. If you didn’t get a chance to read it you can find it here.

This article explores The Heart of Conflict.

The heart is a Biblical term that describes more than an organ in our bodies. Biblically speaking the heart is the center of all that we are and all that we will ever be. It is the center of our emotions, our will, our decisions, our actions, and our aspirations. While the brain thinks, the heart is that inner sense that sorts our thoughts out and decides whether or not they are values worth setting our life course. The heart is simply the center of one’s being.

In Luke 6:46, Jesus said that “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. ”

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Maintaining heart awareness is essential. It’s Biblical. We are called to know our hearts!

Conflict is a heart issue. A soft heart goes a long way toward helping us handle conflict. Conflict is often an indicator that something is wrong on a heart level.

The Role of Desire in Conflict

The Biblical letter writer James in James 4:1-2 narrows this a heart affliction down to desires that have gone wild.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

Were these people really killing each other? Maybe not, but it’s quite likely their thoughts toward each other were murderous. There were deep disputes. So deep that their prayers were being hindered.

Dealing with Conflict at a Heart Level

James addresses the conflict at a heart level. He avoids the surface issues so he can address the root of the conflicts; unmet desires that have turned into all-out warfare.

These desires have become demands. The demands have caused people to start judging each other. What do judges do? They pronounce judgment and dispense punishment.

What does James teach us? James teaches us that desires, even good desires, can become sources of sin and conflict.

Sometimes something that starts out as a one-sided offense explodes into mutual conflict.

• Parents being disrespected by their children can become so angry that they begin to demand respect through angry outbursts, yelling, intimidation, excessive punishment, and the withdrawal of love.
• Coworkers can punish other coworkers in numerous ways: piling on work responsibilities, micromanaging schedules, the silent treatment, arguing, and more.
• Spouses in conflict often engage in needless arguments, pull away in total silence, blame each other, make lists of how the other person has failed, and even begin to bad mouth their spouse to friends, family members, or their own children.

The amazing thing is that most conflicts don’t start with sinful desires. The desire for respect, help, diligent work, responsibility, love and most other desires is healthy and even Godly. It’s when desires turn into demands that a conflict starts to brew. The desires literally begin to control our heart.

How do we know if something has become a demand?

Evaluate the following:

1. Does it consume my thoughts? Does my mind constantly come back to this even when I should be able to focus on other things?
2. Do I sin to get it? Do I demand, nag, berate, cry, complain, or lay on guilt trips?
3. Do I sin when I don’t get it? Do I explode, yell, cuss, pull away, give the silent treatment, or gossip when I don’t get what I want?

Even if a conflict started with the other person you have to take responsibility for your response. If your desire has turned into a demand, and that demand has turned into sinful actions on your part then it has become an idol in your life. The only way to get rid of an idol is to confess it, repent of its control over your behavior and thoughts, and ask God to replace it with his love and wisdom.

Your greatest enemy is not the person or people you are in conflict with. Your greatest enemy is sin. The Bible even takes that further and says that your greatest enemy is Satan because he is the accuser of the brethren. Sin takes hold when we fail to trust God.

There is One who can help. Jesus! Jesus is the author of truth. You can trust him even when you can’t trust anyone else. He understands conflict. He understands mistreatment, abuse, accusations, hatred, and punishment. He experienced all of them and to a greater level than any of us have ever experienced. He knows!

The difference between Jesus and us is that he experienced all of these things without deserving and punishment or sinning in response. He won the day! Remember, it’s more important for Jesus to win the day, that for you to get your way.

So how can we address the heart of conflict in our own lives?

Ask yourself the following questions. Maybe even take some time to write down some bullet points so you can come back to these things.

1. In what ways have my desires turned into sinful desires?
2. More specifically, how have I acted sinfully because of what has happened? (Examples: Anger, verbal or physical violence, denial of relationship or affection, gossip, slander, other…)
3. What kinds of things do I need to confess and repent of?
4. How am I going to change my behavior?
5. Who do I need to say sorry to?
6. Since saying sorry can lack substance, how can I communicate to them that I will change my behavior?
7. Who can help me to change my behavior (hold me accountable)?

Here are a couple of final points.

Gossip is a common sin in conflict. What is gossip?

I heard Dave Ramsey define gossip as “talking to people who don’t have the power to help solve the problem.” Friends may be helpful, but they often have clouded judgment because of their love for us. They will likely take our side. Most of the time we would never share things with them if we didn’t secretly know they would support us.

Instead of gossiping, what would it look like to find a Godly person who can help you see more angles of the situation. That may be a counselor, a pastor, human resources, or a friend who you have given the permission to tell you things you don’t want to hear.

Cutting off of relationship is also common.

We cut of relationship because we don’t know what else to do. Or we fear our own anger will get the best of us. Sometimes taking some time to think, clear our mind, breath, and pray is essential. Taking time though should be for the purpose of going to the person who has offended us.

Final point. You should never expect another person to confess and repent of sin if you are not actively doing the same thing. Clear the fog and then proceed!